Remorse
by rachel-rage
Summary: Chuck has nothing to apologize for, and Sarah has something to say. Oneshot- three days after the season finale.


Sarah is sitting on her bed when the knock she's been expecting finally comes. Chuck's GPS beacon has been blinking around the perimeter of her hotel for over an hour. Her first instinct was to grab a gun and take off for the parking lot, but after sneaking a look, she simply saw Chuck, sitting on the hood of his newly reacquired Herder, looking both morose and determined. She had sighed, and returned to the room she was sure she'd have to leave soon. Surely Chuck was coming over to ask her to move in with him. Ellie and Awesome had bought a new place after the wedding and if she lived with Chuck, he could remove the bugs from his apartment. But Sarah didn't want to move in with Chuck under false pretenses. Right at that moment, Sarah wasn't sure if she wanted to move in with Chuck at all.

She had tasted the freedom that had been denied her so long. It tasted like the champagne and cake she'd had at the wedding party. It smelled of Chuck's cologne and the beach, and felt like his hair in her hands and the satin dress she'd donned to be a bridesmaid. It had been within her reach, just a few more words would have sealed her future as Sarah Walker, civilian and lover of Chuck Bartowski. But although Chuck's ability to read her seemed almost limitless at times, this one time, he had failed her. Or rather, she had failed him. Because she couldn't vocalize her feelings for him, she couldn't tell him she wanted the normal life with him, he had gone and uploaded the goddamn Intersect.

And now, instead of that future that tasted like champagne, all they had was a cover that wasn't remotely convincing and two people, together but very alone. Instead of the house with the picket fence and the dog and the SUV, (Sarah would NEVER consent to the dreaded mini-van), they had Chuck's old room, Casey next door, and Chuck being forced back into the Buy More and his little Nerd Herder.

So when Chuck knocks on her door, Sarah gets up to answer it almost reluctantly. He knows she's there- after all, where else could she be if not at the Orange Orange or his house- and for her to not answer would be rude and irresponsible. She opens the door, and there he is, metaphorical hat in hand. He looks apologetic, which normally is kind of cute, but right now is irritating because it's really her fault.

"Hi," he says, and even that one word thaws her heart just the smallest bit. She bites her lip and gestures him in.

Sarah sits on her big white bed and the scene is so reminiscent of when Chuck came to comfort her after her father left that she half expects him to pull out a bag of chocolate croissants. But he doesn't, he just looks at her and she looks down, away. Sarah feels bad- she's been ignoring Chuck while also trying to make it seem like she's not ignoring Chuck. For a spy, she's doing a terrible job of hiding her feelings.

"I know you're upset with me," Chuck begins, and Sarah starts to shake her head but knows at least enough to stop before he can see it, to let him finish. "And I don't really know why, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry that Bryce…" Even Chuck looks away now. Chuck lost a friend, which is something Sarah knows almost nothing about. "I'm sorry about Bryce. I know you hate to talk but I hate to have you mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you." Sarah's voice is sharp and cold, not used for three days because the only person she talks to is Chuck. The tone of her voice itself is contradictory to what she says, but Chuck knows that to point this out to her will only increase his chances of bodily harm. "I just don't understand."

Chuck looks as if he's about to get up and join her on the bed, but at a glance from her, he stops and settles back into the green chair by the window.

"I don't understand why, if you're not a hero, you choose to upload the goddamn Intersect!" Sarah is truly angry now- she'd benefit from a few hours with the heavy bag- but she takes a deep breath. "Chuck, why? Why did you do it?"

Chuck looks discomfited. He knows the answer he's going to give is not going to soothe Sarah in the slightest. "I did it for a lot of reasons. I did it because when I had the Intersect, when I was saving lives and helping the government, I felt like I had a purpose for the first time in five years. And I had something to look forward to after ten hours at the Buy More. Even if it was being dangled off the roof of a building. I did it because I will never have a normal life again, after this. I could go back and pretend, but every time I saw a silhouette or a dark SUV or a g-man suit, it'd freak me out. But mostly, Sarah," This is the crux of it, he's almost afraid to say it, "I did it for you. I did it because I could never ask you to stay in my life, but I couldn't bear to let you leave, and I did it so that I could start becoming the guy you think I am, the hero, because I want you to be proud of me. I did it because I wanted you to stay so I could prove myself the hero you think I am."

At this, Sarah glances up, her eyes swimming. No one has ever wanted her approval. No one has ever worked to make her proud. She's never been close enough to anyone for them to make an effort to please her. And even though she can still taste champagne, and it's more bitter than sweet, she can't be mad at Chuck. All she can do is be mad at herself. He did this partly to keep her with him, and that's her fault.

"I wasn't going to leave, Chuck. I think it's important you know that."

"I know. Bryce," Again, a wave of mourning seems to crash on Chuck, but he quickly recovers, "Bryce sort of told me. He was in…a lot of pain. But I got the gist of it. I thought…even when we were friends, Bryce was just a little manipulative. It seems almost cruel to think of it now, but I thought he was just telling me that so I'd destroy the Intersect, like he asked. I couldn't believe you would leave the CIA."

Sarah smiles, but there is sadness in her eyes.

"Neither did I. Until I met you." Chuck blushes, and starts to speak, but Sarah cuts him off. She has put this off for far too long already, and even waiting for Chuck to finish talking will be unbearable. "I've never had a friend, never had a real life, never had a true family. And I met you, and without thinking, you gave me all of those things. Without even hesitating for a moment, you opened your heart and home to someone almost certain to destroy it. And I've loved it. And…," Here it was, the moment she'd been waiting for, and God, she couldn't believe she was about to say it even before he did, "And I love you. You're honest, and kind, and basically the opposite of me in every way. I love you, Chuck. And Intersect or not, asset or not, I want to be with you. For real."

Chuck's mouth is wide open. Sarah chances a look at him, but when she sees the shock on his face, she turns away quickly. She knows, it was a long shot for Chuck to love her. She's done horrible things and she's lied to him and hurt him over and over again. Her eyes are just about to freeze over and lock her emotions in when she feels warm, slightly damp fingertips run across her jawbone. She looks up, and he's there, his hand pressed to her face, his eyes burning. He bends down until his lips are at her ear, and then further, until she can feel his breath on her lips.

"I love you, Sarah. I always will."

And then she can't stop herself, she's pressing her lips against his, and pulling him down towards her, but he stops and says, "Why don't we just sit for awhile?" And even though Sarah's been waiting for years for this, she knows that he's right. What she wants now is comfort, and his arms around her. And so they lie on her bed, entwined together, and as she breathes in his scent, she knows that that champagne future wasn't real, could never be real. But this, and everything from here on, will be.

* * *


End file.
